[Note: This is Part 9 of a 10-part series on Ephesians: Living Out Our Identity in Christ.]

It’s easy to compartmentalize faith. We can worship on Sunday, attend Bible study during the week, and even speak Christian lingo with ease—all while our home life remains largely untouched by the gospel. We’re one person at church and another person behind closed doors. But the gospel doesn’t stay in the sanctuary. It invades every corner of life, especially the places where we spend the most time and where we’re most ourselves: our homes, our families, our work.

In the previous post, we saw Paul call believers to put off the old self and put on the new self. He got intensely practical about speech, anger, work, and relationships. Now he goes even deeper into the home. He addresses marriage, parenting, and work—the most fundamental relationships in daily life. And he shows us that when the gospel truly takes root, it transforms everything.

This section has been controversial throughout church history. Some have used it to justify abuse and oppression. Others have rejected it as culturally conditioned and irrelevant. But when we read it carefully in context, we see something revolutionary: Paul is showing how the gospel redeems and transforms relationships that sin has corrupted. He’s not reinforcing oppressive systems. He’s calling everyone—husbands, wives, parents, children, masters, slaves—to radical, Christ-centered transformation.

Mutual Submission (5:21)

submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Eph. 5:21)

This verse is actually the conclusion of the previous section (5:18-21), but it also introduces what follows. It’s the hinge between Paul’s discussion of being filled with the Spirit and his instructions about relationships.

“Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This is the general principle that governs all the specific relationships Paul is about to address. All believers are to submit to one another. Not because others deserve it or have earned it, but “out of reverence for Christ.”

Submission here doesn’t mean everyone does exactly the same thing. It means putting others’ needs above your own, serving one another in love, honoring one another, yielding to one another. It’s the opposite of demanding your rights, insisting on your way, or lording power over others.

This mutual submission flows from being filled with the Spirit (5:18). When the Spirit controls you, pride gives way to humility, selfishness gives way to service, and you begin to treat others the way Christ treated you.

Now Paul will show what this looks like in three specific contexts: marriage, family, and work.

Marriage: Wives and Husbands (5:22-33)

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph. 5:22-33)

Wives: To Your Own Husbands as to the Lord

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” This is one of the most misunderstood and misapplied verses in Scripture. So let’s look carefully at what Paul actually says.

First, there’s no verb in the Greek text of verse 22. The verse literally reads: “Wives, to your own husbands as to the Lord.” The word translated “your own” is idios—it simply means “your own,” emphasizing the personal nature of the relationship. The verb “submit” is supplied from verse 21, connecting the wife’s submission to her husband with the mutual submission all believers are to practice.

What does Paul mean by “be to your own husbands as to the Lord”? He’s saying the wife should relate to her husband the way she relates to the Lord—in submission. This isn’t Paul imposing his personal views. He’s about to clarify exactly what he means.

The Husband as Head

“For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” Paul grounds his instruction in the creation order. The husband is the “head” (kephalē) of the wife.

Some argue “head” means “source” rather than “authority.” While it’s true that in Genesis 2, woman was taken from man’s side, Paul himself clarifies what he means in the very next verse. We don’t need to guess at his meaning—he tells us.

As the Church Submits to Christ

“Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” Here’s Paul’s own explanation. Just as the church submits to Christ’s authority and leadership, so wives should submit to their husbands. The parallel is unmistakable. If we try to make husband and wife “co-leaders” in marriage, then by Paul’s logic, Christ and the church would be co-leaders—which no one believes.

The word for submit here is hypotassō—to voluntarily place yourself under someone’s authority or leadership. It’s not forced compliance or mindless obedience. It’s willing cooperation with godly leadership.

“In everything” refers to the normal spheres of married life. This doesn’t mean a wife must obey sinful commands or deny Christ. She answers to the Lord first. But in the day-to-day decisions and direction of the family, she follows her husband’s lead.

Why would God design marriage this way? Because it reflects something bigger than marriage itself. Paul will explain this at the end of the passage.

The Foundation: Creation Order

Paul’s teaching here isn’t culturally conditioned or arbitrary. Throughout his letters, when discussing men, women, and authority, Paul appeals to the creation account (see 1 Cor. 11:8-9; 1 Tim. 2:13). In Genesis 2, God created Adam first, then formed Eve from his side to be his helper. In Genesis 3, after both sinned, God questioned Adam first—not because he sinned first (Eve did), but because he bore primary responsibility as the head of that family.

Notice: both Adam and Eve’s eyes were opened only after Adam ate (Gen. 3:7). Why? Because Adam was the representative head. He could have refused the fruit, counseled Eve, and led her to repentance. He didn’t. While Eve was deceived, Adam’s sin was deliberate. His sin had greater impact, and therefore he bore greater responsibility. When God pronounced judgment, He saved His strongest judgment for Adam. Why? Greater responsibility.

This is what biblical headship means: not greater rights, but greater responsibility and accountability before God.

Husbands: Love Your Wives

Now Paul turns to husbands, and notice: he gives them far more instruction than he gave the wives. Why? Because the husband’s responsibility is greater and more demanding.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This is the standard. Not “love your wives if they submit” or “love your wives when they deserve it.” Love like Christ loved—unconditionally, sacrificially, to the point of death.

Christ “gave himself up” for the church. He died for her. Husbands, are you willing to die for your wife? That’s the level of love Paul is calling for. This isn’t about power or control. It’s about responsibility and sacrifice.

Christ’s Purpose in Loving the Church

Why did Christ give Himself up for the church? “That he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.”

Christ’s love has a purpose: sanctification. He cleanses the church through the Word. He’s preparing her, beautifying her, making her holy. His goal is to present the church to Himself in splendor—radiant, pure, without defect.

This gives husbands a model and a mission. Your love for your wife should aim at her spiritual growth and holiness. You’re not just living with her. You’re helping her become more like Christ. Your leadership should serve her sanctification, not your convenience.

Love Your Wife as Your Own Body

“In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Paul shifts to a different angle. Love your wife like you love yourself.

Why does this make sense? Because “the church is the Body of Christ.” Christ loves His own body. The husband should do likewise. The picture here is of a man who takes care of his wife. He makes sure she has what she needs: physically, emotionally, spiritually. He gives of himself to her—not just money, time, or things. He gives himself, just as Christ gave Himself for the church.

“For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.” You naturally care for your own body. You feed it, protect it, tend to it. Do the same for your wife.

“Nourishes” means to provide what’s needed for growth. “Cherishes” means to warm, to care for tenderly. Christ does this for the church. Husbands should do this for their wives.

One Flesh

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Paul quotes Genesis 2:24. Marriage creates a new, primary relationship. The man leaves his parents (doesn’t mean cutting off relationship, but establishing a new priority) and cleaves to his wife. They become one flesh—unified in body, life, and purpose.

This is why loving your wife is loving yourself. You’re one. What benefits her benefits you. What hurts her hurts you.

The Mystery

“This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Here’s the key. Marriage is not just about two people forming a household. Marriage is a living picture of Christ and the church. The husband represents Christ. The wife represents the church. The relationship displays the gospel.

This is why marriage matters so much. It’s not just a social contract or romantic partnership. It’s a sacred covenant that points to something bigger than itself. When a husband loves sacrificially and a wife submits respectfully, the watching world sees a picture of Christ and His bride.

Summary: Responsibility, Not Power

“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Paul boils it down: Husbands, love. Wives, respect.

Why this distinction? Not because wives don’t need love or husbands don’t need respect. But husbands especially need to be reminded to love sacrificially, and wives especially need to be reminded to respect their husbands’ leadership. These are the areas where each tends to fail.

Many see male headship as a dirty word, implying domination or power. But biblical headship is fundamentally about responsibility and accountability before God. The husband will answer to Christ for how he led his family, how he loved his wife, whether he nourished and cherished her or neglected and provoked her. That’s what headship primarily means.

This doesn’t negate the wife’s responsibility or moral agency. She answers to God for her own choices. But the husband bears a unique responsibility as the head of the family. In Genesis 3, both Adam and Eve sinned, but God questioned Adam first and judged him most severely—because greater responsibility brings greater accountability.

In a biblical marriage, when the husband loves Christ and desires the best for his family, the wife need never fear submitting to him. When husbands love like Christ and wives respect their husbands, marriage reflects the gospel to the world.

Family: Parents and Children (6:1-4)

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph. 6:1-4)

Children: Obey Your Parents

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Paul addresses children directly, assuming they’re part of the gathered church and can understand this instruction.

“Obey” is straightforward—do what your parents tell you to do. “In the Lord” probably means “as those who belong to the Lord” or “because the Lord commands it.” This isn’t unconditional obedience to everything a parent might demand, but obedience within the bounds of what honors Christ.

“For this is right.” Obedience to parents is morally right, intrinsically good. It’s part of God’s created order. Families function best when children respect parental authority.

Honor Your Father and Mother

Paul quotes the fifth commandment: “Honor your father and mother.” Honor goes beyond obedience. You can obey grudgingly or manipulatively. Honor means treating parents with respect, esteeming them, caring for them.

This commandment has a promise attached: “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Originally given to Israel about the Promised Land, the principle applies broadly: societies where children honor parents are stable and blessed. Families where respect flows both ways thrive.

This doesn’t mean every obedient child will live to old age. It’s a general principle, not an absolute guarantee.

Fathers: Don’t Provoke Your Children

Now Paul addresses fathers (though the principle applies to mothers too). “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.”

Provoke means to exasperate, to irritate, to push someone to the breaking point. How do parents provoke children? Through harshness, unreasonable demands, inconsistency, favoritism, constant criticism, never being satisfied, comparing them to others.

Provoked children become angry, bitter, discouraged. They rebel or withdraw. They resent authority. Fathers, your job isn’t to break your children’s spirits. It’s to nurture them.

Bring Them Up in the Lord

“But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The alternative to provocation is godly nurture.

“Bring them up” means to rear, to nourish, to train. “Discipline” (paideia) includes training, correction, and instruction—the whole process of shaping character. “Instruction” (nouthesia) means admonition, teaching, warning.

And it’s all “of the Lord.” Not just using the Bible as a rule book, but raising children to know and love the Lord. The goal isn’t perfect behavior. It’s hearts transformed by the gospel.

Godly parenting combines correction with encouragement, discipline with love, truth with grace—just like our Father in heaven parents us.

Work: Bondservants and Masters (6:5-9)

Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is bondservant or free. Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him. (Eph. 6:5-9)

Bondservants: Serve as Unto the Lord

Paul addresses bondservants—slaves in the Roman system. Before we apply this to modern work, we need to understand the context. Roman slavery was brutal and dehumanizing. Paul isn’t endorsing the institution. He’s telling Christian slaves how to live faithfully in an unjust system while the gospel slowly transforms society from within.

“Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ.” Fear and trembling doesn’t mean terror. It means reverent care, taking your work seriously. “Sincere heart” means genuine, not fake.

The key: “as you would Christ.” Work for your boss like you’re working for Jesus. This transforms everything. Even mundane tasks become acts of worship when done for Christ.

Not Eye-Service

“Not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ.” Eye-service means working hard only when the boss is watching, slacking off when he’s not. People-pleasers work to impress, to gain favor, to manipulate.

Christian workers aren’t like that. They’re “bondservants of Christ.” Their true Master is Jesus. They work to please Him, whether anyone is watching or not.

Doing God’s Will from the Heart

“Doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man.” Your work is God’s will for you. Do it heartily, willingly, cheerfully—not begrudgingly or half-heartedly.

“As to the Lord and not to man.” Your real boss is Jesus. You’re serving Him through your earthly work. That changes your motivation, your attitude, your work ethic.

Knowing You’ll Be Rewarded

“Knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is bondservant or free.” God sees your work. He rewards faithfulness. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a slave or free, low status or high status. God values faithful service, and He will reward it.

This doesn’t mean earthly success. It means eternal reward—hearing “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matt. 25:21).

Masters: Treat Slaves the Same Way

“Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening.” This is revolutionary. Masters should treat slaves with the same respect, sincerity, and service that slaves are to show masters. Do the same—work as unto the Lord, serve them, treat them as valuable.

“Stop your threatening.” Don’t use fear or intimidation to control people. Don’t abuse your power. Lead with integrity and care.

Remembering the True Master

“Knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.” Masters and slaves have the same Master—Jesus. He’s the ultimate authority. And He shows no partiality. He doesn’t favor the powerful over the powerless. He judges fairly.

This should humble masters and encourage slaves. No matter your earthly position, you answer to Christ. That levels the playing field.

Application to Modern Work

While we don’t have the slave/master relationship today, the principles apply to employer/employee relationships:

Employees: Work as unto the Lord. Don’t slack off when the boss isn’t watching. Give your best effort. Your work is an act of worship. God sees and rewards faithfulness.

Employers/Managers: Treat employees with dignity and respect. Don’t abuse your authority. Serve them, invest in them, care for them. Remember, you have a Master in heaven who watches how you treat those under your authority.

Application Points

Let the gospel reshape your marriage

If you’re married, stop treating your spouse according to worldly patterns and start treating them according to gospel patterns. Husbands, love sacrificially. Die to yourself daily for your wife’s good. Wives, respect your husband’s leadership. Trust God with the outcome. Your marriage should display Christ and the church to the watching world.

Parent with grace and truth

Don’t provoke your children through harshness, inconsistency, or unrealistic expectations. But don’t coddle them either. Train them in the Lord. Discipline them with love. Point them to Christ, not just good behavior. Your goal isn’t compliant kids but Christ-loving adults.

Work as worship

Whether you’re stocking shelves, managing a team, teaching students, or caring for patients—you’re serving the Lord. Do your work with excellence, integrity, and joy. Don’t complain about your boss or cut corners when no one’s watching. You’re working for an audience of One.

Treat everyone as image-bearers

The gospel erases worldly hierarchies of value. Whether you’re leading or following, managing or being managed, you’re dealing with people made in God’s image and people for whom Christ died. Treat everyone with dignity, respect, and love.

Remember your ultimate accountability

You will give an account to Christ for how you treated your spouse, raised your children, and conducted yourself at work. Live with that reality in mind. God is watching. He’s not impressed by status or success. He cares about faithfulness and Christlikeness.

Reflection

• How is the gospel shaping your relationships at home—or is your home life largely untouched by your faith?
• If you’re married, are you loving/respecting your spouse in a way that reflects Christ and the church?
• If you’re a parent, are you bringing up your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, or provoking them to anger?
• At work, are you serving as unto the Lord, or just going through the motions to collect a paycheck?

In the final post of this series, we’ll see Paul shift from relationships to spiritual warfare. The Christian life isn’t just about getting along with people. It’s about standing firm against spiritual forces of evil. We need the armor of God.